When My Father Fell To Earth

I’ll never forget the look on his face as he tumbled to the ground.

I don’t remember what it was we were arguing about, why I was so angry, or what had caused me to lash out.

All I remember was his face.

Maybe a few moments after, the storm that ensued, the pain that could only be expressed in fear and anger.

But those are more like flashing images, a blur lost in the haze of memories unremembered.

But that face cuts through it all.

It was the first time I had seen my father like that, maybe the first and only time he allowed himself to be seen that way by me.

It was a look of utter confusion, of an orderly world turned upside down, and, most frightening for me, a flash of unrestrained fear.

He fell to the ground because I had pushed him.  I had been spiraling more and more out of control at this time, a year before I would find out I was bipolar, before I would have a manic episode that would take over my life and change it forever, a year before I would look back on the past few years, even the past decade, of my life, and see evidence of losing more and more control of myself.

I had never pushed my father before, and never would again.  But in that moment, I was so angry, I was so out of control, that I let myself do the unthinkable.

I had lost my temper with them before.  In fact, it was clear that I was starting to develop a very serious anger management problem.  Unfortunately, we didn’t realize how deep this problem was, how much further it spread than anger.  The main thing we noticed, that they saw, that I was able to face, was the outbursts.  What I didn’t tell them about was the year I had spent before then in the house I rented with some friends in college, hiding in my room with the lights off for days, weeks at a time in utter depression.  The way I had allowed trash to build up all around me without bothering to clean it.  The way I had gone from someone who didn’t touch drugs to smoking pot like a fiend, trying shrooms multiple times, and pills if they were handed to me.

We didn’t talk about all that because they were my parents, and while we were having a very difficult time interacting, our relationship deteriorating, they were still, at that point, the people I saw as larger than life, who were indestructible, and who would live forever and always be there for me no matter how self-destructive I became.

And that is why the moment my father fell, and his face transformed into something I had only seen on mere humans before, my reality suddenly shattered into a million pieces.

There was, of course, the almost unimaginable pain of having hurt and scared my father.  The guilt of having physically attacked the person who had done so much for me, who quietly stood by me even as I fell apart in front of him.

But, it was more, deeper, than all that.  It was the fact that, for the first time in my life, I could see my father was human.  As delicate as me, as prone to fear and confusion.  As susceptible to pain.

In fact, I think there was something about seeing my parents as indestructible that allowed my mind to go to the place where it would be “okay” to lash out at them.  They couldn’t be hurt by what I did!  And they were so powerful, and had so much control over my life, that I needed to lash out at them because they must be the source of my pain, my frustration, my utter and complete depression.

Why is it easier to rebel against God than against your friends?  Because God is all-powerful and unhurt by our puny actions, in our minds.  He is beyond our comprehension.

That’s how I saw my parents.  That’s how, I imagine, we all see our parents until they fall to earth at some point.

I was in college, but I was still in high school in my heart, still holding onto the idea that there were bigger forces in control of my life than me, still hiding from myself, from my own actions.  And their consequences.

And that is why my father’s fall so shook me.  So struck deep into my reality, and so forced me to start facing myself slowly.

Because I was suddenly alone when I saw his face.  Suddenly realizing one of my biggest fears in life: that no one would save me from the confusion and pain that life kept throwing at me.

I was alone, completely and utterly.  In that moment, as his face transformed, our relationship transformed.  I was sent almost immediately on a plane back to Arizona, my parents afraid of what I was capable of, convinced that they couldn’t be around me until I figured out whatever was going on inside of me.

It took a while for it all to truly hit me.  It took another year of spiraling, of losing control, and of finally breaking and ending up in a mental institution, before I started to (or perhaps was able to, with the help of medication and therapy) look within instead of outside for answers to my questions.

Even that was only the beginning, with multiple falls back into pot, into losing myself in other addictions like gambling.

But as I grew and began facing my demons, my father’s face became more and more etched and alive in my mind.  I didn’t understand the feeling of utter panic I had felt in that moment until much later.

Now, thank God, my relationship with my parents has come to a much more beautiful, balanced place.  We’ve grown together from this experience, and learned so much along the way.  In many ways, we see that final breaking point the next year as a positive moment, the moment I had to finally face myself and what was happening to me.

But I think, perhaps, that the process had started earlier.  When my father fell.  And suddenly life could not easily be explained as larger forces controlling my life.  When, for one moment, I realized that they are human, which made them simultaneously less powerful and me much moreso.

Perhaps we all have such moments, if in less dramatic fashion.  Perhaps we all need such moments.  Moments to push us to finally grow, to finally take our lives into our own hands, to teach us how much agency we’ve been gifted.

I’ll always regret that moment, that the lesson was learned in that way, that I acted in a way no son should ever act.

But the moment transformed me, and I am thankful for that at least.  Thankful that my parents kept me in their lives, despite everything.  Thankful that we could grow from the ashes of what I had done to them in my pain, confusion, and misery.

And thankful, finally, that I finally realized that seeing my parents’ humanity allowed me to finally access and take responsibility for my own.


Posted

in

by

Comments

49 responses to “When My Father Fell To Earth”

  1. Heidi B Avatar
    Heidi B

    Wow. Thank you for sharing this personal experience.

    In the scenario you describe in this piece, I was/am the parent. I remember the very moment my life shifted seismically. Suddenly it hit me with a force that took my breathe away, that the ongoing struggles of one of our children was not just a difficult adolescence, but a really serious and continually morphing mental illness. It was sudden and violent, and absolutely shattering.

    Over the course of the next 15 or so years, and more hospitalizations than i can count, my heart and mind was shaped by the life altering journey of shepherding our daughter through the various chapters of what was ultimately diagnosed as bipolar I. Panic attacks, OCD, anorexia, bulimia, compulsive overeating, cutting, depression, mania, drugs, psychosis.

    I took every blow to heart, and was crushed in the process. I remember thinking to myself, as the brutal reality hit me over and over again, ‘I’ll never be the same again.’ And I wasn’t.

    Just like the acorn must disintegrate to grow into a tree, and an olive must be pressed beyond recognition to extract the oil, so I, along with my incredible, amazing daughter, have grown into a stronger, deeper, wiser, better version of myself. I am in awe of the depth and breadth of the work she does on a daily basis to manage the risk factors of her illness, to accept the things she cannot change, and manage the rest to the best of her ability, with the help of G-d, to create a life filled with joy, gratitude, soulfulness, in spite of the many struggles she faces.

    She is my hero. My life is infinitely richer because of what we have been through, and what I have learned from her. I thank G-d every day for letting me be her mother.

    1. rebecca.odessa Avatar
      rebecca.odessa

      I am blown away by your comment Heidi. That you have been through such a traumatic experience…and have emerged triumphant – with gratitude for it – is incredible. From what you say about your daughter…it is clear the apple did not fall far from the tree.

  2. golden goose Avatar

    I as well as my guys were actually looking at the good information located on the website while before long I had a horrible feeling I had not thanked the blog owner for those tips. Those young men ended up totally very interested to read through them and now have pretty much been taking pleasure in those things. Thanks for genuinely well kind and then for deciding upon such fantastic information most people are really eager to be informed on. My sincere regret for not saying thanks to you sooner.

  3. golden goose high top sneakers Avatar

    This really answered my downside, thank you!

  4. off white jordan 1 Avatar

    My husband and i were so ecstatic that John managed to do his homework while using the precious recommendations he discovered from your own web pages. It’s not at all simplistic just to choose to be giving freely information that many most people might have been trying to sell. And we fully understand we’ve got you to give thanks to for this. The entire explanations you have made, the straightforward blog menu, the friendships your site assist to instill – it’s all astonishing, and it is assisting our son in addition to us understand this concept is thrilling, which is incredibly serious. Many thanks for everything!

  5. supreme clothing Avatar

    I simply wanted to thank you so much once more. I do not know what I could possibly have handled in the absence of the type of creative concepts discussed by you about such a theme. It seemed to be a terrifying setting for me, nevertheless taking a look at the well-written avenue you resolved the issue made me to jump over joy. Extremely grateful for the help and in addition wish you comprehend what a powerful job you are undertaking instructing others using your website. I know that you have never come across any of us.

  6. chrome hearts Avatar

    I needed to send you a little note to give thanks over again on the superb ideas you’ve discussed in this article. It has been simply wonderfully generous with people like you to supply without restraint what some people would’ve made available for an e-book in making some dough on their own, notably now that you might well have tried it in case you desired. These concepts as well acted like the easy way to be certain that other individuals have a similar zeal like my own to realize good deal more when considering this condition. I am certain there are thousands of more pleasurable moments ahead for many who looked at your website.

  7. supreme new york Avatar

    I must get across my admiration for your kindness supporting those people who actually need guidance on the matter. Your very own commitment to passing the message all around has been unbelievably beneficial and has allowed somebody like me to arrive at their pursuits. Your valuable tutorial denotes a whole lot to me and additionally to my office colleagues. Regards; from everyone of us.

  8. kd 12 Avatar

    I must express some appreciation to you just for bailing me out of this circumstance. Because of checking through the the web and finding things which are not pleasant, I was thinking my life was gone. Existing devoid of the approaches to the problems you have solved through your article content is a serious case, as well as those that could have in a wrong way affected my entire career if I had not come across your blog. Your actual capability and kindness in dealing with all the pieces was crucial. I don’t know what I would’ve done if I had not encountered such a stuff like this. It’s possible to now look ahead to my future. Thanks a lot so much for this impressive and results-oriented help. I won’t think twice to propose your web page to any individual who would need recommendations about this situation.

  9. golden goose sneakers womens Avatar

    Would you be interested in exchanging hyperlinks?

  10. kyrie 7 shoes Avatar

    I wanted to send you a bit of observation just to say thank you yet again with the stunning tricks you’ve contributed here. This is simply unbelievably open-handed with people like you to provide unreservedly what many of us could possibly have marketed for an e book to earn some cash on their own, especially now that you could have tried it if you desired. Those smart ideas additionally served to provide a good way to recognize that most people have similar keenness really like my own to figure out much more related to this problem. Certainly there are thousands of more enjoyable occasions up front for individuals who discover your blog post.

  11. curry shoes Avatar

    Thanks a lot for giving everyone an exceptionally splendid opportunity to read critical reviews from this website. It is usually very beneficial plus jam-packed with amusement for me and my office friends to visit your website at minimum 3 times in one week to learn the latest tips you have got. Not to mention, I am always happy with your staggering creative concepts you serve. Selected 1 facts in this post are undeniably the simplest I’ve had.

  12. off white shoes Avatar

    Thanks so much for providing individuals with an extraordinarily pleasant possiblity to read in detail from this web site. It is always so beneficial and packed with amusement for me and my office colleagues to visit your web site no less than three times per week to read the fresh guides you will have. And lastly, I am just usually fulfilled with all the fantastic tricks served by you. Some two tips in this post are surely the simplest we have had.

  13. off white outlet Avatar

    Thank you for all your effort on this web site. My mum takes pleasure in participating in internet research and it is easy to understand why. Most people know all relating to the powerful mode you offer valuable tips by means of this blog and in addition foster participation from some others on that content while our daughter is becoming educated a lot of things. Have fun with the rest of the year. You are always conducting a terrific job.

  14. ball star golden goose Avatar

    WONDERFUL Post.thanks for share..extra wait .. ?

  15. golden goose mid star Avatar

    Would you be excited by exchanging links?

  16. 카지노사이트 Avatar

    We’re a group of volunteers and starting a new scheme in our community.

    Your site provided us with valuable information to work on. You have done a formidable job and
    our whole community will be thankful to you.

    Feel free to surf to my webpage 카지노사이트

  17. off white outlet Avatar

    It抯 exhausting to seek out knowledgeable individuals on this subject, but you sound like you understand what you抮e talking about! Thanks

  18. spongebob kyrie 5 Avatar

    This is the precise weblog for anybody who wants to search out out about this topic. You understand a lot its almost onerous to argue with you (not that I actually would need匟aHa). You positively put a new spin on a topic thats been written about for years. Great stuff, just nice!

  19. golden goose hi star Avatar

    I simply needed to say thanks once again. I am not sure the things that I would’ve taken care of in the absence of the actual creative concepts provided by you on my question. Completely was a real depressing setting for me personally, nevertheless discovering a new specialized style you handled it forced me to weep for delight. Now i am thankful for this guidance and hope you realize what a powerful job you happen to be doing educating people through your blog. Most likely you have never got to know all of us.

  20. kyrie 7 Avatar

    This really answered my problem, thank you!

  21. jordan shoes Avatar

    you’ve gotten a terrific blog here! would you wish to make some invite posts on my blog?

  22. palm angels hoodie Avatar

    An fascinating dialogue is worth comment. I feel that it’s best to write extra on this topic, it won’t be a taboo topic but generally persons are not enough to talk on such topics. To the next. Cheers

  23. kyrie shoes Avatar

    An attention-grabbing dialogue is worth comment. I think that you should write more on this topic, it won’t be a taboo subject however usually people are not enough to talk on such topics. To the next. Cheers

  24. hermes handbags Avatar

    Oh my goodness! an amazing article dude. Thanks Nonetheless I am experiencing subject with ur rss . Don抰 know why Unable to subscribe to it. Is there anybody getting identical rss drawback? Anyone who knows kindly respond. Thnkx

  25. bapesta Avatar

    I used to be very pleased to search out this web-site.I needed to thanks for your time for this wonderful read!! I undoubtedly having fun with every little little bit of it and I have you bookmarked to take a look at new stuff you blog post.

  26. ordenar singulair 4 mg en Argentina Avatar

    Hi, Neat post. There’s a problem together with your web site in internet explorer,
    may check this? IE still is the marketplace leader
    and a good part of people will leave out your magnificent writing due to this problem.

  27. Precio del lodine en España Avatar

    I love reading through an article that will make men and
    women think. Also, thanks for allowing me to comment!

  28. geen voorschrift nodig voor amen Avatar

    Hi there to all, it’s in fact a nice for me to pay a visit this site,
    it contains helpful Information.

  29. El celexa está disponible para su venta sin receta en España Avatar

    With havin so much content do you ever run into any issues of plagorism
    or copyright infringement? My site has a lot of unique content I’ve either created myself or outsourced
    but it seems a lot of it is popping it up all
    over the web without my permission. Do you know any methods to help prevent content from
    being ripped off? I’d genuinely appreciate it.

  30. youubbe.me Avatar

    I finally found a great post here. I will get back here. I just added your blog to my bookmarks. thanks. Quality posts are crucial to inviting visitors to visit the web page; that’s what this web page is providing. youubbe.me

Leave a Reply to Heidi B Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *