How Do I Know I’m Doing The Right Thing?

How do I know that God wants this from me?

I’ve made some choices in life recently.  Big ones.  I’m trying to make a project I care about full time.  I’m trying to take that project to the next level.  I’m trying to let go of the idea of a full time job, trying to find freelance work until one day, God decides that I was meant to be doing this.

How do I know God wants this?

And that really means, I guess, is this the right decision?  Have I made the right choice, both morally and logically?  Which I suppose when combined means spiritually.

How do I know?  Will I ever know?

Not only that, I believe that this project I’m working on is part of a movement in Judaism, and I want to do everything I can to propel that movement forward.

A movement of Jews who don’t want to fit in the crowd because the crowd has been dictating to them for far too long that they should fit here and there, and they have a different vision deep within them.

And every day, every day, I hear, see, read messages from the world that this idea of mine makes no sense.  First, morally.  That I have no right to fight for this movement of seemingly rebellious Jews.  That I’m leading them astray, that I’m creating a place where people are writing about sex and not fasting on Yom Kippur, and so it’s dangerous.  And I’m dangerous.  I’m a dangerous person because I’m not educated enough, I’m not religious enough, I’m not steeped in Torah enough to try and push forward any movement, any change in the culture of my people.

And every day, I wonder if they are right.  I wonder, maybe I’m wrong?  What do I know?  I try to study Torah every day, I try to be a good Jew, but my brand of Judaism doens’t fit neatly anywhere anymore.

It was much more comforting when I followed all the “rules” of one community.  I was a straight Chabadnik, a form of Hassid, who accepted he didn’t know as much as the leaders and definitely THE leader, and so I just wrote what was in my heart, but with a constant swing to one side, a constant swing towards the side of the rules, the cultural rules that this society has in place.

And now, I’m on my own.  I listen and read a rabbi, his name Lord Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, the former head rabbi of Britain, to remind myself that I’m not crazy for believing what I believe, for having “unique” beliefs, that don’t fit into one category of Judaism or another.

But I’m scared.  I’m scared because when you’re in a steadfast, clear-headed group with a leader that is a visionary, a genius, and a miracle-maker, it’s so much easier to believe in what you’re doing.  Because every time you write, there will be a hundred people saying, “YEAH!” as long as it fits into their worldview.  And the people who criticize you, that’s just because they’re in another camp.

(To be clear, I have nothing against this way of looking at things, I just recognize it’s easier in many ways than the one I’ve chosen).

But now I feel alone.  I feel on my own, because I’ve chosen to try and create a space where both in-the-boxers and out-of-the-boxers can coexist as long as they’re doing what’s truly within their souls, truly within their hearts.

And that’s what I’m trying to do, and ironically, that’s what I’m scared of.  I’m scared of what’s in my soul and my heart.  And I’m scared I’m wrong for asking others to trust themselves.

It’s a weird thing, to trust yourself.  Because you don’t know what you’re doing, do you?  You’re just a plaything of God, of the universe, of reality.  You’re small and tiny and what the hell does your little brain know?

In all honesty, what I miss even more than falling into an easy-to-define religious group was falling into the prevailing secular worldview.  My old life.  I miss that with a kind of painful thirst.

I think because there was a sort of certainty in it, even when it was uncertain.  In that world, there was a whole army of people ready to fight my side.  A whole world that told me, “Yes, you’re right not to be sure about God, and you’re right to base belief on science, and…” whatever else.

It was easy back then.  Because I was born into it, I didn’t’ choose it.

Almost everything I’ve believed at this point has been a conscious choice (I think, or perhaps that’s an arrogant thing to say), and that’s what frightens me.  Conscious choice of a little tiny man.

And that’s, I suppose the heart of the movement I believe is happening in Judaism, the one that I’m trying to push forward: that of conscious choice.  That of examining ourselves inside and out and letting out what we’ve decided is truth to us, which is why we will inevitably all have different points of view.

What right do I have to encourage others to do this?  What right do I have to do something that will inevitably result in some people rebelling against their upbringing?  What right do I, Tiny Man, have in the face of the Big World?

And so I come back to God, because he’s the only one with the answer to that question.

I know in reality, that God has supported many people who have gone against the grain.  He seems to actually have a great love for them.  Everyone from artists to spiritual leaders to scientists have changed the world for the better because they saw things differently.

But there were, of course, also those who saw things differently and made the world much worse.

So how do I know?  How do I know if I’m doing the right thing, especially when the more I do it, the more I hear I’m doing something bad?

I can’t.  I don’t.  I may never.

I guess that makes me a personal agnostic, not sure of my own self, no matter how hard I try.

But I have things that keep me going, that make me go forward despite it all.

There are the other messages I get from people.  The people who say they’ve finally found a community that they belong to.  The people who tell me the site has changed their lives.  The people who tell me to keep going when the haters descend.

And then there’s what’s inside.

In a previous post I wrote, I can’t even remember which one at this point, someone told me, some I very much respect, that we can’t trust ourselves.  That we need to start somewhere, and that the word of God (ie the Torah) is the starting point.  I think that’s a fair point.  But I also think it’s wrong.  I mean, I’m pretty sure it’s wrong.

Inside of me, deep inside, I think that what I’m doing is right.  I have no real proof. I mean, I could give you proofs from rabbis like Rabbi Sacks.  Or I could grab the quotes from the Torah itself that have taught me that my intuition, my gut, is worth listening to because it is most likely my neshama speaking.  And that the Torah is an aid, really, to developing that inner sensitivity to our soul.

Yeah, I could do all that, but it wouldn’t accurately reflect what’s going inside of me.  What’s going on inside of me is that I’m scared out of my mind but that there’s this voice that keeps whispering in it, that says, “Elad, you have to do this.  Keep going.  Don’t stop.”

It’s quite a voice.  A voice I’ve been scared of for most of my adult life, especially since so many of my early adult years were spent listening to other voices in my head that screwed me all up, inside and out.

But I’ve learned to trust it more and more over time.  Not really because I have a reason to trust it, but because I have no choice.  It’s an insistent, if quiet and calm, voice.  It won’t leave me alone.  It follows me everywhere I go.  I try and quiet it by watching television sometimes.  But it comes roaring back even stronger after I stop.

“Do it, Elad.”

“Low bank account balance because of your choices?  That’s okay, Elad.  Keep going.”

“Someone you respect with all your heart just told you that you’ve made the wrong choices?  I understand that you freaked out at them because you were actually scared that they may be right.  But you should be confident, Elad.  You shouldn’t be angry at them.  Just keep going, just trust yourself, trust me.”

“Feeling extreme depression, anxiety, moodiness during the difficult moments of this journey?  That’s what it means to go on a journey where the streets aren’t paved and the road isn’t guarded by fellow community members.  Keep going, Elad, keep going.  It will get better.   The road more paved, the community stronger, more numerous.”

That voice just won’t stop, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to resist.  When I try and self-sabatoge by taking longer on projects than I should, it comes and speaks to me loudly, even if I pretend I can’t hear it.  When I’m not following it, listening to it, I’m miserable, I actually get sick at times.  I’m weak, and, in truth, more alone than I ever was when I was in-the-box-religious and when I was growing-up-secular.

And so what choice do I have?

I have none.  It’s a compulsion.  It’s a drive.  It’s a belief that comes from nowhere.

So is God with me?  Does He support me?

I don’t know.

But I know that He put this voice in my head.  And when I meet Him in Shamayim, if he tells me I was wrong, I’ll nod, and I’ll accept whatever I deserve for being wrong.

But first I’ll have to ask: “Why, then, did you put that voice in my head?”





73 responses to “How Do I Know I’m Doing The Right Thing?”

  1. Rebecca K. Avatar
    Rebecca K.

    You should copyright the term, “personal agnostic.” 😉

    1. Elad Nehorai Avatar

      Haha it reminds me of the Hasidic idea that God’s existence isn’t what’s in doubt, but our own existence.

  2. Shalvi Schachter Avatar
    Shalvi Schachter

    ‘Personal agnostic’ – awesome term, so conceptually useful.
    When the frummies (including me) would give my father (Reb Zalman Schachter z”l) a hard time he would ask them (us) if we believe in hashgacha pratis.

    1. Elad Nehorai Avatar

      Freaking amazing. Thank you so much for sharing. Can I quote you on that in my Facebook page?

      1. Shalvi Schachter Avatar
        Shalvi Schachter

        Sure Elad, if it floats your boat go for it.

  3. daniel.saunders Avatar

    This resonates a lot. I’m also in the midst of a major life transformation (moving to a completely new, very different, community tomorrow, gulp!). And I’m also in the midst of finding myself (ugh, horrible, horrible phrase) as I slow push back against the mental health issues that have dominated me all my adult life and try to work out who I am, what I believe, what I want to do with my life, what I like, what type of people I want as friends, what type of person I want to marry (one day)… Religiously I don’t think I’ve moved as much as you, but I’m still exploring ideas, constantly redefining myself.

    I completely understand about wanting to be secular again. As I fight against my mental health issues, they fight back. I’ve spent the last five months dealing with anxiety, obsessive thinking and irrational guilt, largely centred on religious ritual. It’s easy to wish I wasn’t frum (which only stokes the guilt). The reality is that if I wasn’t frum, I’d still have the mental health issues, they’d just take another form. So I’d worry about food hygiene instead of kashrut. But the seductive voice is still there, saying I’ve made the wrong choices, that there’s an easy way out.

    I’m slowly realising this isn’t going to go away. I’m the type of person that always needs to grow, that always needs to explore new ideas, that defines himself as an outsider and misfit and a minority of one even among other outsiders and misfits. I’m also probably always going to be the type of person who isn’t so confident, who doesn’t completely believe in himself, who constantly questions his ideas and beliefs. Up to a point, that’s not unhealthy. Unhealthy is when the mental health issues kick in and make me think I’m wicked, that no one will ever like, let alone love me, that even G-d hates me (and so on). Striking the balance is hard, though. In the end we have to choose to do something, because procrastination is itself a (terrible) choice. As my father says, and his father before him, “Whatever decision you make, it’s the right decision.” Good luck with that in your own journey.

    1. Elad Nehorai Avatar

      Exactly, procrastination is the choice to avoid making a choice. Yes, we must go forward either way, and it might as well be in the way we feel with all our hearts is the right way.

      And thank you as always for your incredibly deep, thought-out comments.

  4. EBass Avatar

    You’re not alone. We are here, the questioners, the curiousers, the alone-feeling-ers, the don’t-quite-fit-and-not-sure-we-want-to-ers. But it sure is good to know that there are other voices and hearts that are struggling, and aching to figure this out…to push the movement forward despite the fear of standing alone on that cliff, looking out into the vastness of whatever what we are doing will look like without the clear easy path of someone telling me what G-d wants and how he wants it. I’m here too…on my own cliff, watching and wondering what it would feel like to jump…would I fly, or fall? Am I totally off, or is there something to the part of me that is starting to feel that there’s a lot more to this box than I first thought…maybe it’s a Tartus…. thank you so much for posting this…helps me to be brave enough to really begin to put this into words and to start to be honest and not afraid. To trust…….

    1. Elad Nehorai Avatar

      Trust. That’s where it’s at.

      Thank you so much for your beautiful words and solidarity.

  5. Jeremy McCandlish Avatar
    Jeremy McCandlish

    “And that’s, I suppose the heart of the movement I believe is happening in Judaism, the one that I’m trying to push forward: that of conscious choice. That of examining ourselves inside and out and letting out what we’ve decided is truth to us…”

    Please please please let this writer be right… =)

    1. Jeremy McCandlish Avatar
      Jeremy McCandlish

      The starting point isn’t Torah. It’s prayer. Well…sort of. Prayer is one of our main tools to the process you describe above, but you have to know the process first…but it does sort of come naturally with prayer.

      Truth within, truth without, then put it together and what do you get?

      Actually, I can show you this visually…

  6. Ilona Fried Avatar

    Hang in there, Elad!

  7. Zerach Moshe Fedder Avatar
    Zerach Moshe Fedder

    This place of being a personal agnostic seems to me to be exactly what HaShem wants from us. Our bodies, emotions and minds are the battlefield between the Yetzer HaRa and the Yetzer HaTov. So who’s winning today? How can we ever really know? Only perhaps after the proverbial fat lady sings ….

    All the stories about Great Rabbi’s death beds (Rabban Gamliel, Rabi Shimon Bar Yochai, the Gra,) … always disturbed me greatly. Weeping and worrying. Can’t we at least be happy at the last moment? No, these great sages( who are light years beyond me) were worried that they might still not have gotten it right. Were they not also personal agnostics? Sometimes I ask myself: Am I getting up this morning to Daven to G-d or just to prove to myself that I can stick to this OCD regime that I’ve committed myself to? Is this my Yetzer Ha speaking? or the deeper voice of my Yetzer HaTov? Can anyone answer such a question? Does this happen to everyone? Perhaps some of us like you Elad are just more in awareness of this state of being.

    So perhaps this world really is just the corridor, what other explanation makes sense? Whatever we get right, sabbabah, whatever we messed up will get fixed. So on with the battle, O personal agnostic warriors….

    1. Elad Nehorai Avatar

      Such a beautiful comment! Thank you so much for sharing. And I love the connection with the Torah sages on their death beds. Beautiful example.

      1. Zerach Moshe Fedder Avatar
        Zerach Moshe Fedder

        Thanks Elad, I’ve become a big fan of yours …

        You speak from a real place, no sweeping of the challenges under the rug and no giving up to the easy way out of returning to kfira and ignoring the spiritual and mystical that is essential nature of our beingness.

        I often feel that I was born before my time and have a lot more in common with your generation than mine.

        I have a fantasy of one day becoming a guest writer on Hevria when it becomes possible. I have been blessed with alot of interesting life experiences, Torah learning of books that others do not touch or have never heard of and many unique ideas of how to comprehend this lowly divine world that I never thought to share because I was never sure who would be the audience.

        You have opened up a virtual place to discuss what’s really going on inside of us, a place where yearning for HaShem is not an embarrassment and disparaging dismissal of the Divine is not taken as the “scientific truth” and without the pleasant “party-line” slogans of what we are supposed to say to be properly frum. Can we be totally open and totally frum and be okay if it brings up contradictions and dichotomy?

        How wonderful to explore this together…

        Once I was discussing this challenge with a fellow “Hevriaish” Rav and close friend of mine, The Rav gave me this advice which I follow to this day. “Dress like them and act like them and they’ll leave you alone so you can learn Torah and worship HaShem in your own real way.”

        It’s a beautiful dance ….

        1. Elad Nehorai Avatar

          I’m SO glad we connected. May these connections only continue and strengthen!

          1. Zerach Moshe Fedder Avatar
            Zerach Moshe Fedder


  8. Yosef Werner Avatar
    Yosef Werner

    Please don’t give up, Elad; we need you. Pop Chasid and Hevria has inspired me in so many ways. To try and reach out to the other ‘fringers’ around me who somehow think their struggles invalidate their Yiddishkeit. To try to know G-d for myself, not for someone else. To take ownership of my journey and recognize it as just that – a journey. To be encouraged at the bravery of other artistic, creative Jews as they embrace that part of themselves in a way that’s so real. To not walk away from Judaism myself. To consider the example I want to set for my children. To see my drawing, even when it’s just my monsters and robots, as an act of worship, or at least something that pleases G-d, because He delights when we run with His gifts. To try to be the person that makes someone say, “OK, I’ll hold on 5 more minutes.” When I started reading these blogs, I was looking to see if there were any other Jews who show me how to love G-d and others and themselves and be the artists and creators they yearned to be. I am one of those who found a home here. And now it’s taking me outside of my own head. I think G-d would be pleased. So thank you.

    1. Elad Nehorai Avatar

      Wow, Yosef, thank you. It kind of blows my mind to see all this support on this page, but especially from people like you who I so respect. It means the world to me.

      Ironically, I wrote this piece almost like a diary piece, just for me. And yet out of it came all these people to write such incredible comments, including yours. It’s quite beautiful to see.

      1. Yosef Werner Avatar
        Yosef Werner

        Thank you Elad. I wanted to add something, especially in light of all the flack you and other writers catch about not coloring in the lines. This past Rosh Chodesh I put on tefillin again for the first time in over a year. I had come to that place where it meant something to ME, after a lot of nonsense (most of it my own.) You, the other writers and commenters here have a piece in that. So thank you.

  9. Nechama Avatar

    I want to say something important. but I’m not important (yet). I want to give you confidence but I don’t have much to share (yet). I wish I could remove your doubt as the saying goes because “nothing is more comforting”. All I can do is hope these next few thoughts validate you somehow. (I promise, when I started this comment it was intended to be a few thoughts and not a freaking blog post!)

    I am headed toward a major growth spurt of my own creative soul and you guys get the credit. I’ve been feeling it coming for years but I’ve been choking it down in fear. Fear it might disrupt my homeostasis – even an unhealthy one. Fear that I’d be criticized or rejected or abandoned by those who love me and worse, by those who don’t. But that crap is just part of my history. A history that has defined me for too long. I am ready to write/right the future. But my medium is not words (you can tell) But as a frum woman dance is kind of hard to put into the world. . . but there are those who do it, I will find them. And there are venues to be filled with flowing light. I am ready to give it my commitment and my kishkas. so I’d better not be a personal agnostic.

    For a long time I thought “starving artist” meant artists starve because their art doesn’t sell and so with a large family it would be irresponsible of me to make art. But what I’ve come to understand is that artists (and all of us are in our own way – see seth godin or betty Edwards) don’t starve because they suck. They starve because all of their earnings go back into their need to create – to buy more paint, more climbing gear, more lenses. It’s a need. Not a selfish one. Not one we can control but G-D GIVEN! It takes blood and guts to do what you’re doing. Your success can’t be measured by the opinions of others no matter how deep the hurt goes. That’s the work of authenticity, of sharing your art. Sometimes it ain’t pretty but it’s deep and it’s a process that Hashem is proud of. Is it embarrassingly obvious that my pep talk is totally directed at me?! Whatever. I go on:

    Rocking the boat might make some people sick. Might make you sick. It makes me shrivel and hide “below deck” in cyber bliss where ideas and talents look sparkly and perfect and HUGE! So leeching off them creates a kind of fantasy bubble for me. But the escape route, this website, made it possible to feel less trapped. It gave me the air I desperately needed. I can just stay in my head. Far far away from where the real work happens – in my heart and with other people. But that isn’t my goal. The ideas Hevria puts into the world are already out there. You aren’t creating them. And you are not responsible for what people do with them. For me, knowing this forum exist makes it possible and important that I search out my own truth in the real world. In MY own daled amos and with MY chelek Elokai MAMASH. And that I don’t leave it here in words, ideas, the abyss of internetland. I take it and I engage with people and things in a deeper, more connected way through my art, my mothering. Where my standards for myself were once someone else’s yardstick now, because of Hevria (and some other meaningful events), I commit to my own yardstick. I will be more truthful to myself. More self aware. More aware of others. This is service. Dude. Do you feel any better?

    1. Elad Nehorai Avatar

      WOW, Nechama, incredible. I really have trouble believing in some ways that something I worked on could have such an effect. But, of course, that’s exactly why I did it. Weird how that works.

      But hearing you actually say it, hearing that it’s real and true and happening… it makes it so much more different than when it’s just a voice in my head. It’s now a reality. A truth that exists in others and that is spreading.

      I can’t wait to see where you go with all this energy and I hope you continue to engage in it whether you stay along with us for the ride or not.

  10. Eli Berger Avatar
    Eli Berger

    i read a radak recently near the end of shmuel aleph where he discusses the nature of Ov-sorcery. apparently the illusion depended on the seeker hearing an extremely quiet voice speaking to him, which could really be a very strong delusion or hallucination if you’re listening for it. and yet, eliyahu’s experience in the cave on har sinai tells us cryptically that the Infinite Reality is most strongly revealed in an almost inaudible voice. i think the difference is in how you internalize it. if the voice becomes deafening but tortures you in its foreignness, it’s an arbitrary sound, a distraction. but if it takes you with it, and it can be heard in all levels of your being, and you can ascend its crescendo from your actions to emotions to thoughts to purpose and onward to simple oneness, that’s a sound worthy of the cosmic harp. if you are HaShem’s flute, then that is what you are. there is no other possibility. this mission is all-encompassing. the Torah and Chazal for sure say it, but even if they didn’t, it would be because the idea is just too obvious to write. Go do it, man. We’re davening this into reality.

    1. Nechama Avatar

      WOW! That is some beautiful writing! And helped me see/hear more clearly.

      1. Eli Berger Avatar
        Eli Berger


    2. Elad Nehorai Avatar

      Thank you so much brother! You really are doing that, and it’s so wonderful to have you in the mix.

      And your beautiful Torah thought… wow. Thank you.

  11. Devorah Avatar

    Hitting The nail on the head once again Elad. We will never know if we are doing the right thing but I don’t believe it’s a choice we make. I think that some people are naturally inclined that way. Yes sure, for five years, 2 years, 3 years you can stick to a group and call it home and community but then there comes the urge again and you’re off on your own again. It’s not as if you try to be that way, it’s not as if you didn’t try to stick with whatever the community wanted. It’s much much easier to be one with everyone else!! But for some reason, Gd, the world, the universe, is saying ‘Sorry Hun, it’s time for you to get up and move again”… And you just don’t have a choice about it because this is you, this is what you do, you can’t help being you, you can’t help the direction that Gd is taking you… And it’s all Him, it’s not you, and there ain’t nothing to fight, nothing to go back to. It’s hard, it’s rough, it’s tough, it’s unfair.

    I guess I understand what you are going through right now:) Truely relating to me in this time of my life when I finally thought it was all good and comfortable. The hardest thing is that there is no one to show the way and sometimes rules are good because they keep you centred. So Well, you may not Have rules but you have yourself and your heart. You are doing an amazing job, and you are making a true difference.

    1. Elad Nehorai Avatar

      “But for some reason, Gd, the world, the universe, is saying ‘Sorry Hun, it’s time for you to get up and move again”… And you just don’t have a choice about it because this is you, this is what you do, you can’t help being you, you can’t help the direction that Gd is taking you… And it’s all Him, it’s not you, and there ain’t nothing to fight, nothing to go back to. It’s hard, it’s rough, it’s tough, it’s unfair.”

      TOTALLY feel that. Yes, I think there are those moments and the hard part about that is that everyone around you may judge you for it, or look down on you for it. For various reasons, good or bad. But what matters is keeping Hashem’s voice clear in our hearts, I think.

  12. Yonah Heidings Avatar
    Yonah Heidings

    Hi. I really appreciate your creativity and passion. I am also bi polar, a mild diagnosis, wtvr that means. I find myself drawn to your writing when I am in the mood of exploring myself outside the boundaries of strict Halacha all the time. Like in a mood of not wearing tzitzis. At that point I start exploring outside of having to follow halacha every step of the way. I know I have a love of Judaism, but it’s not always apparent. So in those times I let myself go and only do what feels connected to me. But after A while I feel empty. Like it’s all about me and not about what G-d wants. If I only do what I feel, am I serving a true G-d that is above knowledge or only picking and choosing what feels right, in fact serving myself.
    I write this not to denigrate or criticize. I am looking to learn from your experience and hopefully gain better insight into mine.
    More specifically, how do you navigate where the fringe starts? Is there a point where you say, I feel this with all my soul, but I can’t do it, cause it’s just not allowed. I feel like there had to be a clear defined boundary in order to be honest and not just do what you want all the time cause it’s how you feel connected. From learning chassidus I have learned that being connected doesn’t mean you always feel it. Hopefully you get glimmers here and there. But I think we can only set ourselves up for those glimmers if we are following Halacha to the best we We have to push ourselves to do what doesn’t feel good sometimes, because this whole religion thing is only real of we admit that it’s above our knowledge and to a certain extent we can’t trust ourselves. Can you hear this without feeling that I am attacking or criticizing? Would love to hear your thoughts on this. I respect you tremendously and what to further the conversation.

    1. Elad Nehorai Avatar

      #1: I think halacha is always great at defining borders.

      #2: I have never in my life had a need to do something with ALL my soul and had it fall outside of halacha. IMO if such a situation would happen, it would be a reason to question my faith, or at least my approach to it.

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