The Pain You Don’t Know About

He looks so different.  And yet just the same.

His clothes are all done up, and his hair’s neatly cropped, and he’s got a beard.  Eight years ago, it was all the opposite; his clothes in disarray, his hair wild and longer, and no beard.

But that energy is still there, the irrepressible happiness and positivity just shining forth.  An energy that beams from his face as if it has nowhere else to go but towards whoever it’s aimed at.

Right now it’s aimed at me, eight years after I last saw him.  He’s grinning and smiling and gives me a huge bear hug.  He missed me, he tells me.  It’s so good, so good to see me.  Oh my gosh, who would have thought we’d randomly run into each other at the same yeshiva we both went to, the same place we last saw each other eight years ago.

He starts to tell me about his life, and although somehow he still has the same energy, I can see it focused, deeper, more serious.

“Yeah dude, it was a hard time.  I’m clean now, you know, that’s why I’m here, I want to help others that had the same problems.”

Clean?  Problems?

“Yeah, oh man, life was crazy,” he says, his voice starting to rush into itself, “You remember, right?  How much I drank?  Man, that was just the beginning, I was, I am, an alcoholic.  I did pills, man, I was super depressed.  And then I had this wakeup call when I tried killing myself.  Yeah, drank a ton, then took Xanax, Klonopin, Oxy, smoked a bunch, then drank some more.  Somehow the next day I woke up alive.  I drove home, can you believe that?  Every doctor I spoke to said I was a miracle, I should be dead.”

My head is reeling.  Him?  My friend?  I mean, he drank a lot, but so did I back then.  We were just having fun, weren’t we?  He was funny, he was a riot, was he really… could it be?

“And that was five years ago, man.  Been clean ever since.  But that’s just the beginning, man.  A year and a half ago, I wanted to kill myself again.  I told my psychiatrist, and he told me to go straight to a mental hospital.  So I checked myself in that day.  That day.  And I found out I was bipolar.  When I got out, I found out I lost my job.  And my fiance told me she was pregnant, and it wasn’t mine.”

“Yeah, it was rough, but you know what?  I realized something in the hospital.  I realized I wanted to help people.  I needed a mission, I couldn’t keep on like this, even sober. I needed to live my life, you know?  So that’s why I moved to Israel.  And now I’m studying to be a drug and alcohol counselor.  It’s amazing.”

It really is amazing.  He looks so… so sober.  In an internal way.  Focused on a mission, full of energy to make his life better.

But… for eight years, we were out of touch, and all this was happening.  All this.  The addictions, the suicide attempt, the hospital… and I had no idea.

 

“Elad, I have an article I want to publish.  But I’m not sure.  Can you look at it?”

I’m on Facebook, and I’m speaking to one of the writers of this site I run.  She’s one of the most positive, happiest, full-of-good-energy people I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting.  She oozes love.

She sends me the draft.

It’s about a time she was raped.  It tells it in detail, in a way that is somehow both hidden and revealed so we know exactly what happened.

It’s one of the most painful things I ever read, partly because of its rawness, but mostly because this is my friend, and I had no idea what had happened to her until this very moment.

I had no idea.

 

We’re drinking.  It’s a farbrengen, a chassidic practice of sitting at a table and pushing each other to a higher spiritual level by focusing specifically on the spiritual.  This particular farbrengen has gotten very personal, very real.  It’s what would eventually lead me to write an article telling all newly religious Jews that it is their job to rebel against orthodoxy.

We’re talking about the pain we’ve had in joining this new world, this strange community that sold us on its beauty, then encouraged us to join up, then brought us into their actual homes, where so many would only accept us if we fell into line.  This wasn’t the life we chose, we say.

A rabbi is with us, someone who had randomly decided to join us.  He is listening, and he is nodding.  He grew up religious, but he understands us, he sympathizes.

I’m not sure what we said to set him off but all of a sudden he looks at us, and he says, “You know, I was abused.”

We look at him in silence.  We have all risen to heights unimagined, and somehow high up here, in the world of spirituality, something brutally true is entering our consciousnesses.

“Yes… my teacher.  When I was young.”

Sexual abuse it was, he says.  This thing that I had heard about, that some of my friends had told me was an issue in this community.  But with this person, I never suspected it.

“Yeah, I don’t tell people because I’ve moved on.  Why focus on it?  But I’m telling you because I want you to know that this world isn’t perfect, but it’s worth investing in.  I went through it, and here I am still.  I care with all my heart about it.”

But all I can think is that this is… this is a rabbi.  This is someone I look up to, someone that no one would suspect had gone through this, and he doesn’t give anyone cause to think it.

When I call him the next day, I ask him if he would want to write about it maybe, to help spread the word.  He makes it clear that was a one time confession, that he won’t be sharing it with anyone in a public setting, that it was just for us.

I had no idea.  But even more: no one will know.

No one will ever know.

 

We live in a world full of secrets, full of darkness hidden away behind doors that are blinded by the light of life.  All around us, there are secret trials, hidden pains, people who seem fine but who are going through perhaps the hardest things we can imagine.

1 in 5 women you know have been raped.  And 1 in 50 men.  4% of the adults you know have had suicidal thoughts in the past year alone.  1% of them have planned it out.

1 in 5 of all the people you know suffer from some sort of anxiety disorder.  Almost 4% are going through major depression.

In other words, the people around you, you have no idea what they might be going through.

You don’t know, and you will never know, the full extent of the pain that surrounds you.

 

This is a world, unfortunately, where many people are afraid to open up.  Afraid to say just how much they’ve gone through, as important as it is to share their truths and their pains.

This is important.  Important for us.  Important for how we live.  Important for how we treat others.

Every day, we are interacting with people, we are dealing with them, and every word we use, every interaction, is an opportunity to shower people with love, or at least acceptance.

Whether it is online, offline, in a friendship, or someone we truly cannot stand.  There is a person there who has experienced things we cannot imagine, there is a story there that is untold.  There is trauma we are not aware of, pain we will never know.

And so we must treat every person like the sparks of light they are.  Because of the darkness they may hold.

Because of the reality that almost everyone is carrying a struggle, just as we are.  A whole complex slew of emotional baggage that deserves to be respected and uplifted, even if we are not – because we are not – aware of it.  Because it could be anyone.  Because it could be your closest friend or your biggest foe.  Because life, and each person, is so much more than you see.

Love is not an object to be used for our happiness.  It’s an opportunity that exists at every second to be lived, acted upon.  And every person is waiting for us to gift them with it.


Posted

in

by

Comments

43 responses to “The Pain You Don’t Know About”

  1. Luftmentsch Avatar
    Luftmentsch

    Very important post. I know I’ve been quite open here and on Hevria about my mental health and my suicidal thoughts. But there’s stuff I never say. I had a pretty difficult childhood and a number of years ago I was in a situation that was bordering on the abusive, both emotionally and sexually. I don’t talk about it partly to protect various people (some of the people who hurt me were pretty damaged people themselves and I have no desire to name and shame them, although I know some people will say this is wrong), partly because I’ve only really started to come to terms with them myself in therapy over the last eighteen months or so and I can’t speak too much about it. Also, there is a resistance in society to saying that sometimes women can be sexually abusive to men. I guess I’m also scared of being accused of misogyny or “mansplaining” somehow if I say there was a woman who didn’t respect my boundaries. Although I sometimes think maybe that means I need to tell my story after all. One day, perhaps. But not now.

    Anyway, people see me at work or at shul and I’m sure none of them ever guess I’m carrying around all this baggage and all this pain. I don’t think even my parents know all of it. I do try to be empathic with others and to think what pain they might be carrying around when they’re being difficult or just weird. But you can’t ever know what someone feels unless they choose to tell you. Otherwise you just have to try to be as tolerant as you can.

    1. Alex Blair Avatar
      Alex Blair

      (((((((((((Luftmentsch))))))))

      1. Luftmentsch Avatar
        Luftmentsch

        Thanks, I appreciate that.

  2. Nechama Avatar
    Nechama

    Your most beautiful message. . .why I keep coming back!

  3. dot_edu Avatar
    dot_edu

    The Feminist movement has a long history of using false statistics
    to prove their points. Check this out:

    http://www.google.com/?gws_rd=ssl#q=feminist+%22false+statistics%22

  4. Mendel J Avatar
    Mendel J

    For accuracy sake, 1-in-5 women I know have not been raped. There are demographics of women who have had unwanted very intimate sexual encounters, but they live in a world very different to my own.
    http://time.com/3633903/campus-rape-1-in-5-sexual-assault-setting-record-straight/

  5. supreme Avatar

    I am also commenting to let you be aware of what a helpful experience my child encountered studying your web page. She discovered numerous details, including how it is like to have a marvelous giving style to have other individuals without difficulty know precisely a number of tricky things. You actually surpassed readers’ desires. Many thanks for offering the invaluable, healthy, edifying and in addition fun guidance on that topic to Jane.

  6. westbrook shoes Avatar

    Thanks so much for giving everyone an extremely pleasant opportunity to check tips from here. It really is so awesome and also stuffed with a great time for me and my office acquaintances to search your website minimum three times in one week to read the fresh guidance you will have. And of course, I am certainly contented with the good tactics you give. Some two facts in this post are completely the most beneficial I’ve ever had.

  7. supreme outlet Avatar

    I want to convey my gratitude for your kindness giving support to those people that really want assistance with this one content. Your very own dedication to passing the solution up and down became particularly informative and have continuously encouraged guys just like me to realize their desired goals. Your own invaluable guideline denotes much to me and especially to my colleagues. With thanks; from everyone of us.

  8. off white Avatar

    I have to show some appreciation to the writer just for rescuing me from this matter. After surfing around throughout the online world and seeing things which were not pleasant, I believed my entire life was done. Existing without the presence of approaches to the problems you have sorted out all through your guide is a critical case, and ones that could have in a negative way affected my career if I had not noticed the blog. Your actual natural talent and kindness in dealing with every aspect was very useful. I’m not sure what I would have done if I had not discovered such a solution like this. I can also now look ahead to my future. Thanks very much for your expert and effective help. I will not hesitate to endorse your blog to any individual who needs assistance on this subject.

  9. golden goose sneakers sale Avatar

    There are certainly a variety of particulars like that to take into consideration. That is a nice level to deliver up. I provide the thoughts above as normal inspiration however clearly there are questions just like the one you convey up the place an important factor might be working in sincere good faith. I don?t know if greatest practices have emerged around things like that, however I’m positive that your job is clearly recognized as a good game. Each boys and girls feel the affect of only a moment抯 pleasure, for the remainder of their lives.

  10. palm angels Avatar

    My spouse and i got very excited when Albert managed to do his homework out of the ideas he came across through the site. It is now and again perplexing to just find yourself making a gift of points which others could have been selling. And we do know we need you to appreciate for that. The explanations you have made, the easy site navigation, the relationships you can aid to create – it’s got many sensational, and it’s facilitating our son and the family consider that that topic is exciting, which is certainly highly indispensable. Thank you for all!

  11. air jordan travis scott Avatar

    I just wanted to type a message so as to express gratitude to you for all of the splendid tips and hints you are giving at this website. My time consuming internet research has at the end of the day been compensated with reputable facts and strategies to share with my company. I would declare that we website visitors are definitely fortunate to exist in a good website with so many perfect people with valuable points. I feel very much blessed to have encountered your entire web site and look forward to so many more excellent times reading here. Thanks a lot once again for all the details.

  12. paul george shoes Avatar

    I wish to show my affection for your kindness giving support to individuals that really need guidance on your concept. Your special dedication to getting the solution all around appears to be especially significant and has regularly empowered guys much like me to reach their ambitions. Your entire invaluable help and advice can mean much a person like me and even more to my office colleagues. Thanks a ton; from each one of us.

  13. bape sta Avatar

    I would like to express some appreciation to the writer for rescuing me from this type of trouble. Because of browsing through the world-wide-web and obtaining methods which are not productive, I believed my life was gone. Living without the presence of answers to the problems you’ve fixed all through your report is a critical case, and those which may have in a wrong way affected my entire career if I had not noticed your blog post. The training and kindness in maneuvering all the stuff was priceless. I am not sure what I would’ve done if I had not discovered such a subject like this. I can at this point look forward to my future. Thank you so much for your professional and sensible help. I won’t be reluctant to recommend your blog to anyone who needs assistance about this problem.

  14. kd shoes Avatar

    My spouse and i felt now happy Chris managed to deal with his investigations out of the ideas he grabbed from your own site. It’s not at all simplistic to just happen to be releasing things which often some people have been making money from. And now we recognize we have got you to appreciate because of that. Those explanations you made, the simple web site menu, the relationships you will help promote – it’s got mostly remarkable, and it’s letting our son and the family feel that this article is thrilling, which is incredibly important. Many thanks for all!

  15. off white outlet Avatar

    I wish to show appreciation to this writer just for rescuing me from this particular difficulty. Just after exploring throughout the internet and seeing tricks which were not pleasant, I was thinking my entire life was well over. Living devoid of the solutions to the difficulties you’ve sorted out through your review is a serious case, and the ones that might have negatively damaged my entire career if I had not noticed your site. Your main competence and kindness in playing with almost everything was very useful. I’m not sure what I would have done if I had not encountered such a step like this. I am able to at this moment relish my future. Thanks so much for the reliable and results-oriented guide. I won’t be reluctant to recommend your blog post to anyone who requires counselling about this matter.

  16. black golden goose Avatar

    It抯 laborious to search out knowledgeable individuals on this matter, however you sound like you realize what you抮e speaking about! Thanks

  17. golden goose sliders Avatar

    This web page can be a stroll-by means of for the entire information you needed about this and didn抰 know who to ask. Glimpse here, and also you抣l undoubtedly discover it.

  18. golden goose sabot Avatar

    There are some attention-grabbing cut-off dates on this article but I don抰 know if I see all of them middle to heart. There’s some validity but I’ll take hold opinion till I look into it further. Good article , thanks and we wish more! Added to FeedBurner as nicely

  19. goyard bags Avatar

    Nice post. I study one thing more difficult on completely different blogs everyday. It would always be stimulating to read content material from different writers and practice a little one thing from their store. I抎 want to make use of some with the content material on my weblog whether or not you don抰 mind. Natually I抣l offer you a link in your internet blog. Thanks for sharing.

  20. off white jordan 1 Avatar

    Nice post. I learn something more challenging on completely different blogs everyday. It’ll at all times be stimulating to read content from other writers and follow a bit of one thing from their store. I抎 desire to use some with the content material on my blog whether you don抰 mind. Natually I抣l provide you with a link in your web blog. Thanks for sharing.

  21. michael jordan shoes Avatar

    Good post. I study something more difficult on totally different blogs everyday. It should always be stimulating to read content from different writers and practice a little bit something from their store. I抎 prefer to make use of some with the content on my weblog whether you don抰 mind. Natually I抣l give you a link on your internet blog. Thanks for sharing.

  22. kyrie 7 Avatar

    It抯 exhausting to find knowledgeable people on this subject, but you sound like you already know what you抮e speaking about! Thanks

  23. supreme outlet Avatar

    I抦 impressed, I need to say. Really hardly ever do I encounter a weblog that抯 both educative and entertaining, and let me inform you, you’ve hit the nail on the head. Your concept is outstanding; the problem is something that not sufficient people are speaking intelligently about. I am very glad that I stumbled across this in my seek for something relating to this.

  24. cheap jordans Avatar

    I am often to running a blog and i really appreciate your content. The article has actually peaks my interest. I’m going to bookmark your site and preserve checking for new information.

  25. golden goose superstar sneakers Avatar

    Thanks so much for providing individuals with such a pleasant opportunity to read critical reviews from this blog. It’s usually so brilliant and also stuffed with a great time for me personally and my office friends to visit your web site at the very least 3 times weekly to find out the latest guidance you have. And indeed, I’m just actually happy with the wonderful techniques you serve. Some two ideas in this article are particularly the most efficient I’ve ever had.

  26. youubbe.me Avatar

    This is a fabulous post I saw because of its offer. It is really what I expected to see. I trust that in the future you will continue to share such a mind-boggling post. youubbe.me

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *