When Depression Strikes

Usually, when I sit down to write, I have something I want to say.

A lot of times, it’s a lesson I want to give over.  Other times, I want to share a personal experience.

But then there are times, times that happen every now and then, when I have absolutely nothing to say.

And I sit.  And I sit.

Today is one of those days.

I have nothing to say.

But what’s hard about today is that I have nothing to say because I don’t feel anything.

Well, I do, but it’s coming from this place of quiet, thumping depression.

Now, don’t get too worried.  This is normal in the life of a bipolar person.  I am experiencing one of the lower swings of this life.  And the funny thing is, it’s not like I’m sad.  It’s not like I want to cry or be emotional.  I just feel like I’m empty, like someone shoveled out the coals from my furnace.

The hardest things about these moments are how it’s not just that you don’t feel much.

It’s that you don’t feel the things you care about.

For example, I can’t get myself to care about the fact that it’s the new month of Elul, the time when you’re supposed to start evaluating your last year, making a commitment to change, to growth.

I don’t care.  I just don’t care.

But it’s harder than that.  It’s much harder than that.

Because I also feel like G-d isn’t here.

Now, I know this is a normal experience for many people.  We intellectually believe in G-d, but we are disconnected from his existence emotionally.

But it’s still hard.  It’s hard because I’m in the middle of writing a memoir in which I’m describing all the miracles I experienced in a short period of time.  And yet, it’s like it never happened.  It’s like it was a different person.  It’s like there was a G-d once, and now there isn’t.

That’s how it feels.

I don’t know why, but I feel like it’s important that you know this.

This blog, so often, is about looking at the positive of the world.  About tapping into it, realizing that we can always grow and change and evolve.  That life is not static.

I think, though, that sometimes part of realizing that, is also realizing that we will have moments of difficulty.  That the people around us may be going through moments of difficulty.  That so much of the way people act and think and talk is because of what they are going through.

If you talk to me today, you will not be inspired.  I will be low.  I will be gone.  I will look at you and I won’t be able to acknowledge there is a G-d around us.  Even now, I dread that someone I know will read this and see me today, and I won’t be able to even pretend.

I don’t know, I guess I wanted to end this with some significant ending, with some deep thought.  I had an idea recently to mention how we all have a different starting line in life, and it doesn’t matter where we are objectively, what matters is how hard we’re working to move from the starting line to the finish.

It’s still true, I think, and I would love to take a stab at inspiring you with the thought.

But maybe part of all that, of all this, is about accepting that there will always be pit stops along the way.  Pit stops of depression, of difficulties, of pain, of simply taking a breath.

I have no question that in a few days, or tomorrow, or maybe even today, I’ll wake up out of this, shake it off, move on.

But right now… it’s okay to feel like this.  It’s okay to accept I’m not perfect, or always on fire, or any other imagined caricature of myself.  I’m just a dude.

I hope, if you ever experience depression, or just the ups and downs of life, that maybe this will give you a little solace.  That maybe you’ll see it and remind yourself that your emotions are not evil, that they are a part of your growth, and that you don’t have to let them torture you.  Just let them pass over, like the crash of a wave.  It will sting for a moment, but soon you’ll be looking at the infinite expanse of possibility before you.


Posted

in

by

Comments

57 responses to “When Depression Strikes”

    1. Elad Nehorai Avatar

      That is not describing the type of depression talked about in this piece. Chapter 26 focuses on sadness, which is different already from depression, caused by external forces such as loss in fortune or our failings in spirituality.

      Bipolar, as I experience it, and clinical depression are not caused by such things, and often do not even resemble sadness. As I said in the piece, this is not about being sad, but an effect of a physical reality in the body. To attempt to apply the advice from chapter 26 would be dangerous, in my opinion, because it is describing something different and distinct.

  1. Shandel Strasberg Avatar
    Shandel Strasberg

    your not alone. gam ze ya’avor

  2. EBass Avatar
    EBass

    Sometimes when you are in a cave, it’s just good to know that when you come out the world will still be there, whether you want it to or not. Sometimes it’s good to just sink into whatever the weather is on the inside today. Partly cloudy here too. Thanks for posting.

  3. Rivki Silver Avatar
    Rivki Silver

    I’m sorry you’re feeling down now. I am too, and I’m sick on top of it. And my husband’s working hours are brutal. So even though I’m bummed that you’re down, I did get chizuk from hearing that I’m not the only one. And I will wait to have energy and vitality again, and remember that not every day or week is like that. Hatzlacha.

    1. Rivki Silver Avatar
      Rivki Silver

      I realize that I’m making a general comparison between us now, and I hope that’s okay. While I don’t know the feeling of bipolar, I have been feeling like everything is too hard and too much lately, and I could relate to a lot of what you wrote. And now I’m just rambling. Anyways, kol hakavod for posting about this. Life isn’t always all about spiritual highs and connectedness, and that’s okay. We’ll get back to that place, just gotta keep it in mind while we’re not there.

      1. Elad Nehorai Avatar

        LOL, no Rivki, don’t worry about it. I loved your comment, and while we do all have our own personal journeys, we also do have much in common, and sharing those things is always helpful. Which is why I shared this post myself. So, yes, loved your comment, and thank you 🙂

  4. Tzvi Adlerstein Avatar
    Tzvi Adlerstein

    You’re a beacon of strength, man

  5. bat Sarah Avatar
    bat Sarah

    “It’s okay to feel this… I’m not perfect… I’m just a dude.”
    thank you man
    just a dude
    powerful words
    realizing that there are others who feel empty and who don’t care about the things they know they care about is sadly comforting. you explained how i feel so eloquently.
    and that, too, is a sort of inspiration.

  6. bat Sarah Avatar
    bat Sarah

    this should be in best of popchassid

    1. Elad Nehorai Avatar

      Aw wow, thank you 🙂

  7. kyrie spongebob Avatar

    Thanks so much for providing individuals with an exceptionally wonderful possiblity to discover important secrets from this website. It’s always very ideal plus stuffed with a good time for me personally and my office mates to search your blog more than thrice every week to see the fresh items you have got. Of course, we’re actually astounded with all the effective advice served by you. Some 2 facts in this posting are indeed the very best I have ever had.

  8. ggdb Avatar

    Thanks for your own work on this blog. My niece takes pleasure in conducting research and it is simple to grasp why. My partner and i know all of the lively manner you create both interesting and useful guidance via this web site and as well as increase participation from the others on that topic plus our child is becoming educated a great deal. Enjoy the rest of the new year. You are always carrying out a really good job.

  9. kyrie 7 Avatar

    I am just commenting to let you know of the brilliant discovery my wife’s child enjoyed visiting your webblog. She mastered several details, not to mention what it’s like to possess an awesome coaching character to get many people with no trouble gain knowledge of selected impossible matters. You actually exceeded her desires. Thank you for providing those important, trusted, explanatory and in addition fun tips on this topic to Sandra.

  10. golden goose cheap Avatar

    I used to be more than happy to find this internet-site.I wished to thanks to your time for this glorious read!! I definitely enjoying every little bit of it and I’ve you bookmarked to take a look at new stuff you weblog post.

  11. curry 8 Avatar

    I really wanted to send a simple message to appreciate you for the fantastic strategies you are posting at this website. My time consuming internet look up has now been paid with sensible content to write about with my visitors. I ‘d declare that we readers actually are quite fortunate to be in a fine community with so many marvellous professionals with valuable techniques. I feel really fortunate to have come across your website page and look forward to so many more amazing minutes reading here. Thanks once again for a lot of things.

  12. palm angels Avatar

    My wife and i ended up being absolutely more than happy when Michael could do his analysis because of the precious recommendations he acquired while using the web pages. It is now and again perplexing to simply possibly be giving freely guidance which usually people today might have been selling. And we acknowledge we’ve got the blog owner to appreciate for that. The specific illustrations you have made, the easy web site menu, the friendships your site help to instill – it is mostly great, and it’s really helping our son in addition to the family know that this topic is excellent, and that’s seriously fundamental. Thank you for all!

  13. off-white Avatar

    My husband and i were quite thankful when Louis managed to conclude his investigations by way of the precious recommendations he made through the web pages. It’s not at all simplistic to simply happen to be handing out tips and tricks which people might have been selling. We really realize we’ve got the writer to give thanks to for this. The illustrations you have made, the straightforward blog menu, the relationships your site make it possible to promote – it is mostly superb, and it is making our son and the family recognize that the subject matter is amusing, which is unbelievably essential. Thank you for the whole lot!

  14. hermes belts Avatar

    A lot of thanks for every one of your hard work on this blog. Ellie delights in getting into research and it’s obvious why. A lot of people notice all about the dynamic means you produce insightful tricks on your web blog and therefore encourage participation from visitors on the concept plus our own simple princess is without a doubt discovering so much. Take advantage of the remaining portion of the new year. You are always doing a tremendous job.

  15. golden goose sneakers Avatar

    I am only writing to let you know of the cool encounter my wife’s child gained reading your web page. She learned a wide variety of things, most notably how it is like to have a very effective coaching spirit to make many more easily fully understand some very confusing topics. You actually exceeded readers’ expected results. I appreciate you for rendering the valuable, dependable, edifying not to mention cool guidance on the topic to Ethel.

  16. bape shoes Avatar

    I needed to put you a very small observation in order to give thanks the moment again over the superb tricks you’ve featured on this page. It has been seriously generous of people like you to present freely exactly what many individuals would’ve marketed as an e book to help with making some bucks for themselves, principally considering the fact that you could possibly have tried it if you ever decided. Those pointers as well worked like the fantastic way to comprehend other individuals have the identical passion just like mine to learn good deal more concerning this issue. I am certain there are a lot more pleasurable sessions up front for individuals that look over your blog post.

  17. golden goose store Avatar

    I抦 impressed, I need to say. Actually rarely do I encounter a weblog that抯 each educative and entertaining, and let me let you know, you may have hit the nail on the head. Your thought is excellent; the problem is one thing that not enough people are talking intelligently about. I am very joyful that I stumbled throughout this in my search for something referring to this.

  18. 창원출장마사지 Avatar

    Hello, yes this piece of writing is truly pleasant and I have
    learned lot of things from it regarding blogging. thanks.

  19. golden goose platform sneakers Avatar

    Oh my goodness! an incredible article dude. Thanks However I’m experiencing subject with ur rss . Don抰 know why Unable to subscribe to it. Is there anybody getting equivalent rss drawback? Anyone who is aware of kindly respond. Thnkx

  20. golden goose Avatar

    very nice submit, i definitely love this website, keep on it

  21. fear of god essentials hoodie Avatar

    I抎 need to examine with you here. Which isn’t one thing I normally do! I take pleasure in studying a post that will make individuals think. Additionally, thanks for allowing me to remark!

  22. kd shoes Avatar

    The subsequent time I learn a blog, I hope that it doesnt disappoint me as a lot as this one. I mean, I know it was my choice to learn, but I really thought youd have one thing fascinating to say. All I hear is a bunch of whining about something that you could possibly repair if you happen to werent too busy searching for attention.

  23. goyard bag Avatar

    I was more than happy to seek out this web-site.I wished to thanks to your time for this excellent read!! I positively enjoying every little little bit of it and I’ve you bookmarked to take a look at new stuff you blog post.

  24. kobe shoes Avatar

    Oh my goodness! an incredible article dude. Thanks Nevertheless I’m experiencing challenge with ur rss . Don抰 know why Unable to subscribe to it. Is there anyone getting an identical rss problem? Anyone who knows kindly respond. Thnkx

  25. jordan 11 Avatar

    After examine just a few of the weblog posts in your web site now, and I truly like your approach of blogging. I bookmarked it to my bookmark web site list and shall be checking again soon. Pls take a look at my website as effectively and let me know what you think.

  26. supreme Avatar

    very nice put up, i actually love this web site, carry on it

  27. prodroxy sans ordonnance en Suisse Avatar

    Hi there! Someone in my Myspace group shared this website with us so I came to take a look.
    I’m definitely enjoying the information. I’m book-marking and will be tweeting this to my followers!
    Outstanding blog and amazing design and style.

  28. angusta sin prescripción médica en Quito Avatar

    My programmer is trying to persuade me to move to .net from PHP.

    I have always disliked the idea because of the costs. But he’s tryiong none the less.
    I’ve been using Movable-type on several websites for about a year and am anxious about switching to
    another platform. I have heard fantastic things about blogengine.net.
    Is there a way I can transfer all my wordpress content into it?
    Any help would be really appreciated!

  29. estradiol zonder voorschrift hoge prijs Avatar

    I go to see each day some web sites and sites to read articles or reviews, but
    this blog provides feature based content.

  30. erhalte anastrozole ohne Rezept in der Schweiz Avatar

    I do not know whether it’s just me or if everybody else encountering problems with your website.
    It appears as if some of the text in your posts are running off the
    screen. Can someone else please provide feedback and let me know if this is happening to them as
    well? This could be a issue with my browser because I’ve had this happen previously.
    Cheers

  31. levothyroxine online kaufen in Spanien Avatar

    Ahaa, its good discussion regarding this paragraph at this place
    at this website, I have read all that, so at this time
    me also commenting at this place.

  32. Wo montelukast sicher in Österreich kaufen Avatar

    I am sure this piece of writing has touched all the internet
    visitors, its really really fastidious paragraph
    on building up new weblog.

  33. avomine w sprzedaży online w Lublinie Avatar

    Awesome blog! Is your theme custom made or did you download it
    from somewhere? A theme like yours with a few simple tweeks
    would really make my blog stand out. Please let me know where you got your design. Thanks a lot

  34. Wo sominex ohne Rezept in Deutschland bekommen Avatar

    I enjoy, result in I found just what I used to be having
    a look for. You have ended my four day lengthy hunt!
    God Bless you man. Have a great day. Bye

  35. oxybutynin-hci aristo facilement accessible Avatar

    You actually make it appear so easy together with your presentation but I in finding this topic to
    be actually one thing which I believe I would never understand.
    It sort of feels too complicated and very broad for me.
    I’m having a look ahead in your subsequent put up, I’ll attempt to
    get the dangle of it!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *